On Autism & Bipolar II

While I was diagnosed as autistic as a kid in the 1980's, that never seemed to fit. My moods & general way of being was "different". I was formally diagnosed as Bipolar II and heavily medicated for well over a decade.

The combo of SSRIs and mood stabilizers often "worked", but left me as a zombie & dissociated from myself for years. Drugs were tweaked from time to time, particularly during my autistic burnout in my early 20's which confounded my doctors as it couldn't be easily explained.

I lived much of my teenage and early adult life between feeling nothing and feeling depressed. The few moments of relief were when I would stop taking my medication and I could engage with the world in full color. In 2014 I "came clean" with my doctor about this.

He was absolutely shocked that I was able to function and live the way I was without being on medication. Yes, there were some executive function issues, but those had nothing to do with my medication. He sent me for a referral to someone more knowledgeable about "such cases".

It was 2014. You can imagine my surprise when I was told that I wasn't Bipolar II, but "probably ADHD, but it's still not something I know too much about as this concept of being ADHD and autistic is new, you should go see someone else who gets this dual diagnosis".

I was in shock. Being Bipolar II was part of my life. I read everything, I was in support groups, I knew everything about it, I navigated the world as an autistic-bipolar person. It was me. Now here was some doctor, an "expert", according to my main doctor, saying that I'm ADHD?

I was confounded. This being a new concept and me living in a country that was not and still is not at the forefront of autism & ADHD, it took me another number of years and doctors to actually get a real answer from someone who actually knew how Autism & ADHD present together.

It is absolutely possible to be autistic and Bipolar. But I wasn't and I’m not. I'm just AuDHD. Years of my life were wasted and I grieve them. While I am glad to know why I am the way I am, I cannot help but rewind all the time and grieve from time to time. It is work. While I cannot know the pain of not being identified as autistic later in life, I do know the pain of not being identified as AuDHD.

That isn’t to say that being Bipolar is a bad thing or that those autistic people who aren’t Bipolar are somewhat better than those who are. There is an unfortunate narrative like this that exists in our community and we must fight this Sanism that exists. Many autistic people also have a mental health condition and that is OK. Many believe that Bipolar belongs to the world of Neurodivergency, a view that I personally subscribe to.

I meet people every week who have gone thru the same story. Most of us in our 30s and up since this concept didn't even exist until 10 years ago. For those who are reading this with a similar story, you are not alone.