Unmasking and Boundaries: Building a Path to Sustainable Autistic Liberation

Unmasking is the hottest word in the autistic community at the moment. Thanks in part to the wonderful book of lived experience by my colleague Devon Price, unmasking has become a term that transcends even the autistic community. Other great books by Amy Pearson and Kieran Rose and Hannah Louise Belcher have come out recently as well, adding much to the conversation.

Many rightly see it as a journey toward authenticity, reclaiming the parts of ourselves that we’ve been forced to suppress or hide. I’ve spoken about it here. And yes, it is about authenticity—but it goes much deeper than simply “not hiding being autistic.” It isn’t just about behavior and affecting one’s self, nor is it performative (though masking is ALL about performance).

True unmasking isn’t about making a show of authenticity for others; it’s about aligning with our needs and values in a way that is sustainable and deeply personal. Unmasking, by definition, is the opposite of performance and must necessarily be authentic.

Masking, is performative survival. It’s not just a set of behaviors; it’s a system we’ve developed to navigate a world that rewards neuronormativity and punishes difference, and harshly. It can look like suppressing stims, forcing eye contact, or mimicking speech patterns. That’s at the base level. But it can also be more subtle - like monitoring facial expressions, mirroring emotions, or adjusting our rhythm of speech to match others. It can even become us becoming like method-actors or undercover agents - totally losing ourselves in the process, even masking to ourselves. Masking becomes second nature, often without us realizing it, because it’s how many of us have stayed safe in environments that weren’t built for us.

The irony is that for many of us, the pressure to mask actually increases once we realize we’re autistic. Diagnosis or self-discovery brings a new layer of self-consciousness, where we start comparing ourselves to other autistic humans. Instead of unmasking, we begin “performing autism,” mimicking the behaviors we think align with how we’re supposed to act. This is just another layer of masking, shaped by the same neuronormative world we were trying to escape.

On the flip side, some believe unmasking means letting go entirely - disengaging from relationships, stopping effort, or rejecting social norms. This often comes from deep exhaustion and burnout, which are valid responses to the relentless demands of masking. But unmasking isn’t about giving up. That exhaustion and disengagement come from chronic dysregulation - a state that keeps us in survival mode. Dysregulation isn’t shameful, but it isn’t the same as liberation. In fact, it’s the opposite. Autistic Liberation is all about working towards days of regulation (though all humans, autistic or not, will be dysregulated and that’s ok). We are trying to learn how to self-regulate and co-regulate with others. This is what our goal is.

True unmasking isn’t about rejecting effort or abandoning every survival tool under the guise of it being neuroaffirming. It’s about moving away from performance and toward authenticity. It’s about tuning in to our own rhythms and finding ways to meet our needs without erasing who we are. Regulation plays a vital role here - identifying the environments, relationships, and practices that help us feel safe and grounded. Unmasking is about choosing the tools and behaviors that serve us and letting go of those that don’t.

Unmasking also requires us to confront boundaries - both our own and those of others. When we have poor boundaries with ourselves, we inevitably struggle to honor the boundaries of others. The two are inseparable. Without clear internal boundaries—knowing where our needs begin and end - it’s impossible to navigate the I-Thou relationships that Martin Buber describes. Instead, we perpetuate a cycle where our dysregulation fuels difficulty respecting others’ boundaries, which in turn deepens our own discomfort and disconnect.

To break this cycle, we must begin with self-awareness. Unmasking means recognizing our own needs and setting boundaries that allow us to meet them sustainably. It’s only from this place of regulation and clarity that we can truly honor the boundaries of others and engage in relationships that foster mutual respect and authenticity.

Let’s be clear about what unmasking is: it’s reclaiming the parts of ourselves we were told to suppress, hide, or erase. It’s about staying connected to who we really are while navigating the world. It’s about showing up authentically, in spaces that make room for our truth. It’s about creating environments where we don’t have to perform neurotypicality just to survive.

One of the greatest risks we face is the misuse of the neurodiversity movement’s language to justify harmful behaviors. Some invoke terms like “unmasking” or “neuroaffirming” to excuse boundary violations or acts of aggression.

This not only distorts the true meaning of unmasking but also weaponizes the movement’s language against its core principles of respect, care, and authenticity. When dysregulation is reframed as liberation, or when harm to others is excused as “just being authentic,” it perpetuates cycles of pain and alienation.

True neuroaffirming practice isn’t about doing whatever we want, regardless of impact; it’s about finding sustainable ways to meet our needs while honoring the humanity and boundaries of those around us. Using the movement’s language to justify harm undermines the very advocacy it’s built upon and makes it harder for others to feel safe embracing their authentic selves. It’s ironically, just another form of masking in that it internalizes neuronormative ways of co-opting language in order to justify maladaptive behavior.

Unmasking is liberation, but it’s a liberation rooted in care, healing, and connection. It’s not about tearing off the mask and walking away; it’s about discovering how to live as ourselves in a way that is sustainable, fulfilling, and compassionate. Unmasking isn’t about survival at any cost - it’s about learning to thrive. Survival at any cost is literally, MASKING.

We deserve spaces where unmasking doesn’t just feel possible—it feels safe. Let’s build those spaces together.